Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) - Benny Hill

[00:00.0]Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West) - Benny Hill
[00:04.3]You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground
[00:08.7]And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round
[00:11.98]And he galloped into Market Street his badge upon his chest
[00:14.92]His name was Ernie and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
[00:20.16]Now Ernie loved a widow a lady known as sue
[00:23.72]She lived all alone in liddley lane at number twenty
[00:27.51]They said she was too good for him she was haughty proud and chic
[00:30.99]But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week
[00:35.12]They called him Ernie Ernie
[00:38.71]And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
[00:42.43]She said she'd like to bathe in milk he said all right sweetheart
[00:46.19]And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart
[00:49.68]He said you want it pasteurize cause pasteurize is best
[00:53.37]She says Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest
[00:57.26]That tickled old Ernie Ernie
[01:00.99]And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west oh
[01:06.97]Now Ernie had a rival an evil looking man
[01:10.45]Called two ton ted from teddington and he drove the baker's van
[01:14.16]He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread
[01:17.51]And when she seen the size
[01:18.83]Of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head
[01:22.47]She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said if you treat me right
[01:26.15]You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night
[01:29.86]He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way
[01:33.4]And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day
[01:37.67]Poor Ernie Ernie
[01:41.07]And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west oh
[01:46.69]One lunch time ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door
[01:50.36]It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four
[01:54.03]And as he let down from his van
[01:55.89]Hot blood through his veins did course
[01:57.740005]And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his rose
[02:02.02]Whose name was trigger trigger
[02:05.13]And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west
[02:09.03]Now Ernie rushed out into the street his gold top in his hand
[02:12.46]He said if you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man
[02:16.51]Oh why don't we play cards for her he sneeringly replied
[02:20.04001]And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side
[02:24.89]Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun
[02:28.54001]They stood there face to face and ted went for his bun
[02:32.15]But Ernie was too quick things didn't go the way ted planned
[02:35.77]And a strawberry flavored yogurt sent it spinning from his hand
[02:40.53]Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart
[02:44.15]And Ernie he pushed her aside
[02:45.84]And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart
[02:47.99]And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust
[02:51.5]Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust
[02:55.25]Poor Ernie Ernie
[02:59.03]And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
[03:04.95]Ernie was only fifty two he didn't wanna die
[03:09.43]And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky
[03:13.55]Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned
[03:17.48]And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy dairy land
[03:21.75]But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married ted
[03:27.57]But strange things happened on their wedding night
[03:29.9]As they lay in their bed
[03:32.44]Was that the trees a rustling or the hinges of the gate
[03:37.68]Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a rattling in their crate
[03:42.43]They won't forget Ernie Ernie
[03:46.08]And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west